Thursday, October 14, 2010

Help Wanted

Happy Friday! Happy weekend! Fall has disappeared already and it has been 80+ degrees every day this week. This may be the first Halloween we see witches in shorts and tank tops! (Woo! Hoo!) Oh, that reminds me, I have to get going on planning my Halloween outfit!
My Mom hads been working all the time on something called a budgie. I looked it up and found that a budgie is a type of Australian bird – like a parakeet. (Everyone knows that!) Why was Mom working with birds? I thought she was an accountant – oh, maybe she was counting them. Well, that’s silly, (yes, it is) it wouldn’t take all day and night to count birds. When I couldn’t figure it out on my own I asked Mom to explain to me exactly what she was doing with the budgies. She laughed and told me no, it’s a budget. When she explained what a budget was, it made more sense that an accountant would be working on planning next year’s expenses than counting birds. Life is confusing sometimes! (Only if you’re not too bright)
As I was saying, Mom had been working late and on weekends, which was not allowing me enough time to write a proper blog. Since I don’t have fingers, it takes me a long time to tippy tap my stories. I only have access to my Mom’s computer when she’s home so I needed a way to get my blog done quickly.
I know there are a lot of people out there looking for jobs. It occurred to me that one of those unemployed people (Preston) might appreciate the honor of working as my assistant!! If I could find someone (Preston) who was really fast at tippy tapping on the computer, I would be able to dictate my musings to (Preston) them and be done in no time. But how would I find this administrative genius?
I posted signs around the neighborhood and told my friends to pass the word. Some lucky creature (Preston) was going to get to be my right hand man/woman – at least until Mom was working normal hours again. (Hopefully never)
I asked interested applicants to show up on our deck the next day at 9:00am sharp to be interviewed. I was curious to see if anyone would even be interested in the job.
Next morning at 9:00am sharp (more like nine-ish) I opened the back door and was pleased to see a variety of critters (losers) interested in working with me. I handed out applications and asked everyone to fill them out. A vole, an opossum, two squirrels and an owl had to bow out immediately because they didn’t know how to read. I guess I should have been more specific about the requirements. (Duh!)
I collected the applications and invited everyone to have a seat. I would call them one by one to sit down with me in the kitchen to discuss their qualifications. (None) The first application belonged to Bobbi. I was trying to be professional so I called for “Ms. Bobbi Squirrel” and my dear friend Bobbi came forward.
Bobbi looked so professional in her pillbox hat. I led her to the kitchen and we sat at the island to talk about the position.

I read through her application and asked her how it was she came to work at a psychiatric hospital. Did she have medical training? Was she an orderly perhaps? Bobbi had this confused look on her face as she asked what in the world I was talking about. I pointed to a line on her application and she said “Oh!” and giggled. She told me she has experience with “nuts”, but not of the crazy kind, but of the edible, delicious kind. Boy was I embarrassed. (You should have been!)
I let Bobbi sit at the computer and try it out. Turned out her little hands were too small to type quickly and accurately. As much as I would have loved to have my trusted friend work alongside me, she was not going to be able to perform the duties as I needed them done. I thanked her for coming and told her I’d see her later. (Alligator)
Next up was one of the vigilante cardinals. (?!?!?!?)

He said he was tired of being a vigilante. While being a vigilante had its noble aspect, people tended to get mad and chase you when you confronted them. Besides, he told me, they were always jumping into situations that were not what they seemed and he was tired of being embarrassed by a mistaken accusation. He was looking for something more quiet and cerebral. I pointed out to him that he did not have fingers with which to type on a keyboard. (Basic!) He told me he would be able to do it anyway, so I let him try – he couldn’t. (Liar) I thanked him for coming and told him to keep his vigilante job. Jobs are scarce and evidently he was good at vigilanting. (Whatever)
I went through most of the stack of application before I came to a creature with whom I was not acquainted. I called for Preston Hollingsworth and a very statuesque (handsome) primate stepped forward.

Where in the heck did he come from?!?!?!?!? I invited him in and we had a lovely conversation. (Handsome)Preston had been imported illegally into the United States and had escaped from his captors before he could be sold. He had been travelling by train all over the country and had recently arrived in North Carolina. He was thrilled to see my flyer looking for an assistant as he was in need of food and a place to stay. I let (handsome, smart) Preston try out the computer and was pleased to see his long fingers just fly over the keyboard. I had found my assistant!! (Yippeeee!)
I immediately offered (handsome, witty) Preston the position and asked him if he could play the piano too. He smiled and accepted the position and said no, he did not play the piano, but he was willing to learn. (Not really, just wanted the job) I told him as compensation for his work, we - as in my Mom’s plastic card - would provide him with food , but he could not stay inside. (Stinks) Only I was allowed to stay inside. (Unfair) He was welcome to sleep under the deck or in the dog igloo still in our backyard from the previous owners if he wanted to. (Handsome) Preston was very pleased and thanked me for the opportunity. (Thanks!)
I led him back outside to the deck. We shook hands and I gave him a pat on the back and told him how happy I was to meet him. (Likewise!)

I told him we needed to get started first thing the next morning because we had a blog to write.
It was late in the week so we would have to get it done quickly. We worked well together and finished the blog in time. (Obviously ) I didn’t have time to proofread it so I hope (handsome, efficient) Preston did a good job. (But of course!)
Have a wonderful weekend. Start decorating for Halloween. It will be here before you know it! (Know what?)

Love & licks, (yuk!)
Josie (& Handsome Preston)

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